Weathering Transitions Well
by Cheri Timko
One of the unique things about being a Wildland Firefighter is that you spend a lot of time away from home. During fire season, you deploy frequently and for lengthy periods of time. The work is deeply fulfilling because you are making an important contribution to the world.
However, being away for long periods of time can be hell for your relationship. It’s hard to focus on the home when you are away. Things feel unimportant compared with your work life. Your spouse doesn’t understand why you don’t care about which shade of off-white to paint the walls or which restaurant to eat at for dinner.
When you’re away, it’s like you are in a different world. The rules that govern your “home life” don’t make much sense when you are out in the field. Then the most important thing is the job. It’s not that you don’t think about home or miss your family. But, it’s like they are not the most relevant issue. They fade into the background as you focus on life-and-death situations. Even when you have time to talk with them, they feel so distant that it’s hard to connect. You do your best, but sometimes you wish you could just focus on the job without the distraction.
It's not that you want to give up your family or your job. You want a way for both parts of your life to flow easily. You want both to exist at the same time and a way to move between them that doesn’t cause conflict and disruption.
Paying close attention to relationship transitions can make all the difference. Transitions are a problem for all couples. But for wildland firefighters, these problems are on steroids. For the average couple, being apart for work causes a minor bump in the road that is easy to get over. For wildland firefighters and their spouses, the transitions can be deal-breakers.
A relationship transition is when a couple moves from being together to being apart or being apart to being together. These transitions occur every time you deploy to the field for the season or even for a shift. They trigger strong feelings in you as the firefighter, and in your spouse as the one left behind. If you don’t have a plan to manage them, they will manage you.
There are predictable symptoms that you are having trouble with these transitions. See if you recognize your relationship in any of these.
Symptoms that your relationship transitions are causing problems in your relationship:
You have an argument before, during, or after a transition.
You feel frustrated and irritable about minor details.
Your partner gets agitated about small issues.
You pull back emotionally from your partner.
Your partner seems disconnected or cold.
You wait until the last minute to talk about a problem.
Both of you busy yourselves with other things rather than focusing on one another.
You wonder if this relationship is worth it.
You feel excited to return home after a trip, but things fall apart quickly.
You feel frustrated that it takes days to get back in sync when you return home.
You wonder if your relationship can handle the separation.
There are three transition points: 1) saying goodbye, 2) being apart, and 3) reuniting. Each transition point is an opportunity to connect and strengthen your relationship. When you intentionally plan them, they become happier experiences.
Good transitions happen when you are thoughtful and intentional about planning for them. That means that you have specific activities that you do to help you move back and forth.
Here are specific tips to use at each of the transition points:
Saying Goodbye:
Have an open discussion about what each of you needs at each of the transition points.
Identify what each of you needs to feel secure in the relationship.
Identify support people and organizations to help each of you.
Revisit the agreements that you have with one another, especially around relationships with others and time apart.
Agree on a Minimum Level of Contact. This is how much and when you expect to communicate with one another while separated.
Plan time together to feel relaxed and connected.
Take care of the things you said you would do before leaving. If a task is not finished, inform your partner of the status and pass off the task.
Do tasks that will make your partner's life easier when you are separated. For instance, recording bedtime stories for the kids, paying bills ahead of time, doing preventive house maintenance, and leaving notes or letters.
Develop a ritual for saying goodbye.
Being apart
Follow your plan to connect while separated. This might include phone calls, texts, sharing photos, audio or video messages, emails, drawings, and notes.
Reach out to your partner in some way every single day.
Meet your responsibilities in the Minimum Level of Contact each day.
Alert your partner if your plans change.
Don't make decisions your partner will have a hard time living with.
Honor your relationship.
Reuniting
Develop a ritual to say hello.
Discuss what happened to each of you while you were apart.
Have a conversation about where each of you is in the relationship and what you need.
Identify any supports that either of you needs (therapy, support groups, healing activities, spa days).
Re-establish that you are partners and allies with common goals.
Formally turn over tasks that were handled by the partner at home.
Expect that things will be rocky for a few days until you get back in sync.
Plan time for each of you to rest and recuperate.
Get back to your normal “home” routine as soon as possible.
Return to previous good relationship habits:
Say good morning and good night.
Make eye contact when your partner enters the room.
Talk about each partner's day.
Spend some quality time together each day.
You don’t have to take all of these suggestions. Taking a couple from each of the transition points can change how it goes. Reading through the list might even give you your own ideas to try. The most important thing is to move through these transitions while intentionally doing things to make them better. When you blindly go through transitions or avoid thinking about them, they cause the most problems.
Imagine: feeling closer to your partner as you transition between work and returning home. What if your job actually strengthened the bond between you?
Planning well for time apart means you will avoid a lot of problems. Executing the plans will strengthen your relationship. Being apart will always be hard, but your relationship can grow as you move through the transitions.
Transitions are hard. Safeguard your marriage by thinking about these transitions and preparing for them. Don't just let them happen to your relationship.
Cheri Timko is a Relationship Coach and Couples Psychotherapist. She teaches individuals and couples to deepen the connection with their partner using Micro-moments (small actions that lead to big relationship changes). Want to know more? Go to www.cheritimko.com for free resources and articles with tips to improve your long-term relationship.